Name game: Ranking the best in the AFL

When Collingwood unveiled debutant Liam Puncher in their win over the Gold Coast Suns last weekend, many sat up and took notice of the kid's tough name. Puncher. Gosh, that's a strong surname. Heaps of fodder for commentators, fans, and teammates alike. Taken in the recent Mid-Season Draft, the South Australian has taken his Puncher's chance, and run with it. Just wait until he becomes a 100-game pillar of Magpies' backlines of the future. It got us here at ZH HQ mulling over some of the 22-year-old's contemporaries in this space. Have a go at a dozen of my favourite names in the game! Errol Gulden Errol. It's old-timey, it's classic, and Gulden embodies it, with the perceptible joy he displays when gliding over the SCG turf. There's a bit of familiar Australiana about it. The Swans' star, of Turkish heritage, has a name that pays homage to both of his parents' lineages. How good! [caption id="attachment_98616" align="alignnone" width="2560"] BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA - MARCH 20: Errol Gulden of the Swans celebrates after kicking a goal during the round one AFL match between the Brisbane Lions and the Sydney Swans at The Gabba on March 20, 2021 in Brisbane, Australia. (Photo by Bradley Kanaris/Getty Images)[/caption] Marcus Bontempelli Never mind that he's already one of the greatest players of all time, Marcus Bontempelli has one of the strongest names the game has seen, too. It's so distinctly Italian. It's fun to say. And it's the perfect name for a bloke who shares the midfield of a side who represent a famously migrant-centric part of Melbourne, with a bloke whose surname is Liberatore. You couldn't write it. [caption id="attachment_151670" align="alignnone" width="2560"] MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA - JUNE 09: Marcus Bontempelli (left) and Tom Liberatore of the Bulldogs look dejected after a loss during the 2023 AFL Round 13 match between the Western Bulldogs and the Port Adelaide Power at Marvel Stadium on June 9, 2023 in Melbourne, Australia. (Photo by Michael Willson/AFL Photos via Getty Images)[/caption] Patrick Dangerfield "Danger" just has inherently cool connotations. Never mind that he shares his name with the name of a clothing chain aimed at alt-pre-teens who are still swearing that "it's not a phase, mum", in a footy context, the name 'Dangerfield' is just tough as nails. There's a regality that throwing a traditional name like 'Patrick' in front of it engenders. Big points to Paddy's parents. They've nailed this one. Steely Green Named after a 'jazz rock' band. There's nothing more inherently bogan than that, but blimey I love it. Somehow, being a small forward in a high jumper number for a struggling, post-dynasty Victorian powerhouse just adds to the picture his name already paints. Go well, Steely. [caption id="attachment_177084" align="alignnone" width="2560"] MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA - MAY 10: Steely Green of the Tigers kicks the ball during the round nine AFL match between Richmond Tigers and Adelaide Crows at Melbourne Cricket Ground, on May 10, 2026, in Melbourne, Australia. (Photo by Morgan Hancock/AFL Photos/via Getty Images)[/caption] Leonardo Lombard Of Cuban heritage, this young man will be a critical cog in the Gold Coast's engine room for years to come. The name rolls off the tongue, and he's got the tools to climb to the very top of the AFL's player pyramid. Throw in that he's a more than handy proponent of Brazilian jiu-jitsu, and you've got yourself a solid unit not to be messed with. [caption id="attachment_173767" align="alignnone" width="2203"] GOLD COAST, AUSTRALIA - MARCH 6: Leonardo Lombard of the Suns celebrates a goal during the 2026 AFL Opening Round match between the Gold Coast Suns and the Geelong Cats at People First Stadium on March 6, 2026 in the Gold Coast, Australia. (Photo by James Wiltshire/AFL Photos via Getty Images)[/caption] Sam Switkowski This name engenders thoughts of a stuntman, for mine. I can just see a bloke named Sam Switkowski jumping his motorcycle over a bunch of buses filled with snakes or paragliding over shark-infested waters. However, I could just be conflating the bloke with Kick Buttowski (IYKYK). [caption id="attachment_146021" align="alignnone" width="2560"] PERTH, AUSTRALIA - MARCH 25: Sam Switkowski of the Dockers kicks a goal during the 2023 AFL Round 02 match between the Fremantle Dockers and the North Melbourne Kangaroos at Optus Stadium on March 25, 2023 in Perth, Australia. (Photo by Daniel Carson/AFL Photos via Getty Images)[/caption] Mattaes Phillipou Eastern European flavour, and he's shown glimpses of the footy flair to match it. I'm not selling my stock in the 'Pou just yet - I reckon he's got a massive future and appears to have the attitude of someone who just won't quit. Looking forward to hearing Hamish McLachlan call his name to receive his premiership medallion at some point in the Saints' not-too-distant future. [caption id="attachment_135642" align="alignnone" width="2560"] ADELAIDE, AUSTRALIA - APRIL 16: Mattaes Phillipou of the Saints celebrates a goal during the 2023 AFL Round 05 match between the Collingwood Magpies and the St Kilda Saints at Adelaide Oval on April 16, 2023 in Adelaide, Australia. (Photo by James Elsby/AFL Photos via Getty Images)[/caption] Massimo D'Ambrosio Our game takes all comers, and the revelation of D'Ambrosio's Nonno as a cult figure at Hawthorn, and the league in general, has been a heartwarming storyline in recent years. The Bomber-turned-Hawk enjoyed an emergence as one of the game's premier wingmen soon after his departure from Essendon, and although he's cooled a bit recently, he still boasts one of the best names in the game. [caption id="attachment_122980" align="alignnone" width="2560"] MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA - JUNE 17: Ben Hobbs (left) and Massimo DAmbrosio of the Bombers celebrate during the 2022 AFL Round 14 match between the St Kilda Saints and the Essendon Bombers at Marvel Stadium on June 17, 2022 in Melbourne, Australia. (Photo by Michael Willson/AFL Photos via Getty Images)[/caption] Dayne Zorko A name of Slovenian heritage, Dayne Zorko's is a name that has spawned its fair share of spinoffs. Whether it be "Zorko the Great", "The Magician", "The Zork", the Lions' living legend has one of the greatest names in the game. I don't know about you, maybe it's just because I have the most Anglo of names imaginable, but there's just something cool about an exotic letter, like a 'Z', or an 'X'. It's tough. I like it. [caption id="attachment_162310" align="alignnone" width="2560"] BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA - MARCH 29: Dayne Zorko of the Lions kicks during the round three AFL match between Brisbane Lions and Geelong Cats at The Gabba, on March 29, 2025, in Brisbane, Australia. (Photo by Bradley Kanaris/Getty Images)[/caption] Phoenix Gothard In that same vein, I have to mention the newcomer. Phoenix Gothard. That's such a sick name. You could see him being a skateboarder in the X Games, a heavy metal guitarist, or heck, a nimble, game-breaking small forward for an orange-clad expansion club. [caption id="attachment_176801" align="alignnone" width="2560"] SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA - MAY 09: Phoenix Gothard of the Giants celebrates kicking a goal during the round nine AFL match between Greater Western Sydney Giants and Essendon Bombers at ENGIE Stadium, on May 09, 2026, in Sydney, Australia. (Photo by Mark Metcalfe/AFL Photos/via Getty Images)[/caption] Steele Sidebottom Ahhhhhh, Side-ass. You knew he was going to feature. The sibilance, the humour, the length. It's a ripping name, belonging to a ripping fella, and a ripping footballer. A country lad who's been a fixture of two Collingwood flags - first as a fine-feathered youngster, and then again as the grizzled and bald veteran. The original and the best. [caption id="attachment_134893" align="alignnone" width="1681"] MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA - MARCH 25: Nick Daicos of the Magpies celebrates a goal during the round two AFL match between Collingwood Magpies and Port Adelaide Power at Melbourne Cricket Ground, on March 25, 2023, in Melbourne, Australia. (Photo by Darrian Traynor/Getty Images)[/caption] Shadeau Brain He's the only Shadeau to play Australian rules football, at least at the top level, so points are definitely awarded for originality. More than half of the letters in his first name are vowels. Niche. Throw in a surname like Brain and you've got a truly one-of-one type setup. Add in that he's a fringe player at a dynastic club and the picture becomes all the more clear. Onya, Shadeau. [caption id="attachment_150129" align="alignnone" width="2560"] GOLD COAST, AUSTRALIA - SEPTEMBER 02: Shadeau Brain of the Lions warms up ahead of the VFL Qualifying Final match between Gold Coast Suns and Brisbane Lions at Heritage Bank Stadium on September 02, 2023 in Gold Coast, Australia. (Photo by Albert Perez/AFL Photos via Getty Images)[/caption]

		P	W	L	PTS	%
1	FRE	17	15	2	60	142.3
2	SYD	17	13	4	52	131.2
3	HAW	17	11	5	46	114.2
4	ADEL	17	11	6	44	116.9
5	BL	16	10	6	40	111.7
6	MELB	16	10	6	40	106.3
7	COLL	17	9	7	38	104.4
8	GEEL	17	9	8	36	115.2
9	WB	17	9	8	36	90.9
10	STK	17	8	9	32	106.1

Name game: Ranking the best in the AFL

Inspired by a recent Collingwood debutant, I cast an eye over some of the best names in the game.

6. Mattaes Phillipou

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