Gary Ablett at the press conference after announcing he would be joining the Suns. Picture: Michael Klein.

Eight things AFL players should say in interviews

Do you ever get frustrated at AFL players talking in the same old sports clichés every interview? Well so do we, so sit back and enjoy our list of refreshingly honest things AFL players should say in interviews.

1. Instead of players who have bagged six goals or collected 40 disposals in a man of the match performance claiming that it was a team effort or a credit to the boys, we think they should give fans some Lebron James like honesty with something like this in response to the question, ‘You must be happy with your game today?’

“Yeah absolutely, I was on fire, I should definitely collect the three Brownlow votes today. I was everywhere, I mean I got 15 disposals in the last quarter and hit just about every target so I won the game for us for sure, and my kicking for goal was spot on. I kicked three goals straight from set shots outside 50, no one else in the league could do that!”

2. When players are asked if another player should be reported for a high bump or a controversial incident during the game, they tend to try to give diplomatic responses, but we would all prefer to know what they are really thinking in response to being asked if an opposition player should be suspended.

“Are you kidding me? Of course he should! That was such a low act. (Insert player name) is a dog, you don’t do that sort of thing on the footy field. I don’t have any respect for someone who does something like that.”

3. Umpires. we all love to get stuck into umpiring decisions, but players have learnt not to criticise umpires these days or they could risk big fines from the AFL. But if that wasn’t the case, we could hear some beauties like this:

“(Insert umpire name) is the worst umpire I have ever seen, that holding ball decision against me was a disgrace, I don’t think he even knows the rules. There were four or five free kicks against us towards the end of the match that actually cost us the game. If we had a decent umpire tonight, we would have won, it’s as simple as that.”

4. Diplomacy is especially high when discussing teammates. However, how refreshing would it be if players gave an honest insight into what they really thought in response to being asked about the performance of a teammate.

“(Insert payer name) was horrid today. He almost cost us the game on a few occasions. I don’t know why the coach keeps picking him, I try to avoid passing to him if I can and I’ll keep doing that as much as I can. He missed three absolute sitters about 30 out straight in front! He is so useless sometimes.”

5. We have all heard the old ‘one week at a time’ saying. It is generally used when a team is absolutely flying and looks a certainty to make finals or even the Grand Final, but the player doesn’t want to sound like he is getting ahead of himself. Here is an alternative we would prefer to hear:

“Yeah we’re flying at the moment, I know it’s only round six but we are definitely the form team of the competition at the moment, I’d be surprised if we don’t make the top four. Our preparation during pre-season was been perfect, and we our getting the rewards we deserve with six brilliant performances.”

6. NBA superstar Lebron James has given us some great quotes over the years, like this beauty when he was asked if he was confident that Cleveland could come back and win the NBA Championship earlier this year: “I feel confident because I’m the best player in the world,” James said. “It’s simple.” Wouldn’t it be great if Gold Coast captain Gary Ablett produced some absolute gold like that in a post game interview.

7. Players are always asked on Brownlow night who their tip is for the prestigious medal. Every year the favourites modestly announce that anyone could win it and that they just want to enjoy the night. Here is what we would rather hear them say:

“I would be very disappointed if I didn’t win it to be honest. I feel like I have had a really good year, I have averaged 32 disposals a game and chimed in with 30 goals through the midfield. I’m the favourite with the betting agencies and I probably deserve to be.”

8. After a tough loss, players are obviously pretty disappointed with how they have fared. However, their post game interviews rarely reflect just how gutted they truly are. Week after week we hear things like ‘we’ll assess where we went wrong during the week’ or ‘we were just beaten in the contest.’ Rather than actually saying nothing at all, we would prefer to hear a player tell us what they are really feeling after a loss, with something like this:

“I’m furious! I can’t believe how s*%! we played today. We missed easy shots on goal and now our season is stuffed! We really should have beaten that team if we played properly. I’m absolutely gutted.”

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